Breaking Update: A kind reader has informed me that this is not the real Joe Armstrong the programmer, and the post has been updated accordingly.
Reader I won’t insult you by pretending that you haven’t read up to tits about the new computer engineer barbie. No reason to mince words, this is total bullshit: This is WEB DESIGNER BARBIE. Neon shirt with cute binary numbers? A pink laptop? A douchy blue tooth headset? Everyone knows the best programmers don’t even have PHONES because any kind of human interaction detracts from their craft. This is an insult to engineers everywhere.
I’m not going to waste time explaining how CE barbie would obviously be asian, that’s not very constructive. We’re going to do computer engineer barbie right – let’s get down to business! The ground rules:
- Nobody knows wtf a CE is or does anyway, so let’s assume we can distill CE barbie down to Programmer Barbie.
- Again, she can’t be asian, even though the real computer engineer barbie would totally be asian. If we made CE barbie asian, then she would be called “Asian Barbie”, a totally unrelated doll.
- I’m incredibly lazy, so i don’t want to search for a list of CE luminaries by hand, so I took some random list from some useless book that nobody reads that has a list of some programmers. I’m so lazy, in fact, that I’m only going to google for the first handful listed for the book, and assume the first picture returned by google is really this person. Then we’re going to throw in the fucking badasses: RMS and Linus “I Hate Babies” Torvalds.
I just threw up in my mouth a bit, but we must press onward in the name of science. We’re going to handpick parts of each of these great programmers:
- Douglas Crockford’s beard primer (needed for subsequent RMS beard) and glasses
- Joe Armstrong’s hair
- Jamie Zawinski’s extensions
- Brad Fitzpatrick’s not-completely-absent social abilities
- Torvald’s breasts
- Peter Norvig’s Gandalf-esque whiteness
- RMS’s beard (yes, the original epic beard)
Finally a couple of flaws with the original:
- Programmers don’t wear watches cause it’s just bullshit jewelery
- A real programmer wouldn’t have a laptop at all, but rather a pigeon that carries USB keys just to make a point about bandwidth.
I had originally planned to use morpthing.com to combine these various people, but unfortunately their site sucks shit and is down all the time (probably due to incompetent programmers or the fact that their service actually uses amazon mechanical turk), so I had to rely on my paint skills but I think the right idea gets across: